Okay, so basically the government sucks. I am not afraid to say that I have been fighting for disability. I literally do not understand why some people get it that does not deserve it, but I have like 10 different diagnosis and cannot get it for the life of me.
I have never been a complainer. Life sucks. That is just the way it is, so why waste the life I have complaining? Well apparently, if you do not complain every 5 minutes about how your life basically sucks then there is no way you are ill. At least that is what disability is saying. I am not one to complain, but let me tell you that I hurt every single day. I feel nauseous every single day. Somedays I do not even know what is going on around me. Somedays I cannot move or sleep or really do anything. I am terrified to drive. I am afraid I might have a seizure, get into an accident, and kill someone. I cannot be the wife that I would love to be. I cannot have the house cleaned and dinner on the table for my husband. I cannot be the mother I would love to be. I am not going to be able to run around with my children all day or even go on field trips with them without being in so much pain or vomiting. I cannot get excited for a vacation or stressed for an appointment. I cannot do "normal" things, but yet apparently all these things that I cannot do not make me disabled. I realize that a lot of people do not see me at my worst. I do that on purpose. I do not want people to see me like that. It is horrible. Why would I want people to see me in that manner? I do not ever want to be "the girl that is sick", but I do want to be "the girl that lives her life the best way that she can with what she is given." Why is that so bad? Why do I get punished because I choose to be thankful that things are not worse? Just because things could be worse does not mean that they are not horrible already. It just means that I choose to count my blessings. It is hard for me not to look at the things I cannot do, but I try not to. If they would live one day in my shoes, I promise you the decision that they made would be different. Not to mention that they want me to see doctors every week. I cannot afford to pay a $40 copay with every specialist I see. That is completely ridiculous. It is just an ongoing cycle that is never ending. Okay, now that I am done getting all worked up and realizing that life just sucks I guess I will go on and move on. That is what I do. Time to put on a smile and realize it could be worse. God is in control of it all anyway. In His timing, not mine. Just had a weak moment that is all.
I just adjust my sails.
I choose to make myself strong instead of miserable. Why am I punished for that?
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