God's Plan

Who would have guessed that a zofran pump would be an answered prayer? Well to someone with CVS and morning/ all day sickness, it definitely is. I still have a little nausea, but they said it will just be adjusting the dosage to what works for me. That is a work in progress, but at least the vomiting is stopping. These baby boys need to grow :)

I have really started to feel the boys move. It is amazing. It makes it start to feel real. Daniel has not got to feel them yet, but it will not be too long before he can. We are getting so excited to meet our little men. We wonder what plans God will have for their little lives. I am beyond excited to be a mother. This pregnancy has been rough to say the least, but the boys are doing good and that is what matters. 

Just a little talk with Jesus can do wonders. It makes me realize my purpose in life is not to make money or anything like that. My purpose is to do the Lord's work. Although I cannot do a lot due to illness, God still provides ways for me to do His work if I am willing.

What in the World Wisconsin

What we found out in Wisconsin is that we cannot do anything right now because of the boys, but there is a lot happening after these little pumpkins come. Actually, I am going to get DNA tested because all my issues could stem from a mitochondrial dysfunction. That basically means that I could pass it on to the boys, if it is caused from that. It is uncommon in men, so hopefully it will not be passed on, if that does end up being the cause of all this crap. I go back in April, and the doctor will start me on some new meds. One of them being a higher dose of amatriptyline. The other will be one that I have never been on before. It is an enzyme. Until the boys are born, she recommended possibly getting a zofran pump, and they are going to work on getting my insurance to cover more zofran. The goal is to slow down the vomiting to maybe once a week or less, if we are lucky. Since I have had to go to the hospital twice for dehydration and once I was having contractions, the doctor is really stressing getting the vomiting to stop. I go see the high risk doctor on Thursday and I will be mentioning a zofran pump and DNA testing. Hopefully, he will be all for it, and we can get these babies here healthy. Then after the boys are born, we will try something to stop everything. I hope that we can find some answers. This trip was a step in the right direction. I also was diagnosed with POTS. Apparently, I had this diagnosis since I was 16, but we were never informed of it. POTS, postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, was diagnosed from the tilt table test. Which the doctor said, "You basically failed bad." haha. 

The doctors there were super nice, and for the first time I did not feel stupid. She said that anything that is commonly found with CVS I have. Some people just have CVS, others have CVS and fibromyalgia, and I have EVERYTHING that is associated with CVS. Finally, someone understands that I am not making it up. Well, I am pretty sure that is about it. Time for me to get some shut eye. :)

Haha. Seriously, how I feel sometimes. 

Looks like right now I will be praising Him in the hallway. :)

Just Need to Vent

Okay, so basically the government sucks. I am not afraid to say that I have been fighting for disability. I literally do not understand why some people get it that does not deserve it, but I have like 10 different diagnosis and cannot get it for the life of me. 

I have never been a complainer. Life sucks. That is just the way it is, so why waste the life I have complaining? Well apparently, if you do not complain every 5 minutes about how your life basically sucks then there is no way you are ill. At least that is what disability is saying. I am not one to complain, but let me tell you that I hurt every single day. I feel nauseous every single day. Somedays I do not even know what is going on around me. Somedays I cannot move or sleep or really do anything. I am terrified to drive. I am afraid I might have a seizure, get into an accident, and kill someone. I cannot be the wife that I would love to be. I cannot have the house cleaned and dinner on the table for my husband. I cannot be the mother I would love to be. I am not going to be able to run around with my children all day or even go on field trips with them without being in so much pain or vomiting. I cannot get excited for a vacation or stressed for an appointment. I cannot do "normal" things, but yet apparently all these things that I cannot do not make me disabled. I realize that a lot of people do not see me at my worst. I do that on purpose. I do not want people to see me like that. It is horrible. Why would I want people to see me in that manner? I do not ever want to be "the girl that is sick", but I do want to be "the girl that lives her life the best way that she can with what she is given." Why is that so bad? Why do I get punished because I choose to be thankful that things are not worse? Just because things could be worse does not mean that they are not horrible already. It just means that I choose to count my blessings. It is hard for me not to look at the things I cannot do, but I try not to. If they would live one day in my shoes, I promise you the decision that they made would be different.  Not to mention that they want me to see doctors every week. I cannot afford to pay a $40 copay with every specialist I see. That is completely ridiculous. It is just an ongoing cycle that is never ending. Okay, now that I am done getting all worked up and realizing that life just sucks I guess I will go on and move on. That is what I do. Time to put on a smile and realize it could be worse. God is in control of it all anyway. In His timing, not mine. Just had a weak moment that is all.

I just adjust my sails.

I choose to make myself strong instead of miserable. Why am I punished for that?